Sympathy Pains.

Yesterday, I came on MSN to receive an offline message from my best friend saying "I just cried over something you normally cry about." Although, at that point I hadn't actually cried about it in quite a long time - it's all relative, it used to be everyday - I obviously knew what she was on about. A few minutes later she came back online and explained it to me and for a few minutes - and after a rather good resistance from me - we were both sat, seperated by about 3 miles but technology of a computer between us, and we were both crying about the whole situation, me again. I'm not even sure why.

If there has been one person who ever saw how much I was affected by this, it was always her. She has had the patience of a saint, I don't even think I would have reacted in the same way if it had been my friend. I got bored with myself. She probably did too, but she never faulted and she was always there. She seemed to understand all the time. In fact she was the only one who did truly understand why I was so messed up. I feel insanely guilty for dragging her down with me, but it would have been extremely lonely without her there. I don't think I've ever been so grateful for someone before, because I honestly don't think I've ever been so low before. To know that actually, it's even hurting her now. She said, "I miss you talking about him, I miss you and him. It's weird." It makes me feel like it was significant, and I know it wasn't. I know there was never really a me and him and it was always just in my head. But it is weird. I'm so close I can feel escape.

Something keeps on pulling me back, like a lasoo over my chest, and that's the feeling. I hate that fucking feeling. If you're loved back, it's lovely, but as soon as the love fades your insides are twisted and turned like you've been on a bad rollercoaster and can't seem to recover from it. It was perhaps a bit weird she brought him up, as around the same time he was on my mind, which, believe it or not doesn't really happen that much anymore. I don't even remember what made me think. Just looking at the beautiful blue sky and how it got lighter nearer the horizon, and how that blue mirrored perfectly the blue of his eyes, and also how, I can still remember his face and remember how it feels to be around him. I sometimes hear his voice in my ear, but it's not as often anymore. And rarely, I feel his touch or smell his smell. I don't care anymore. I can do nothing and I've wasted too much time and way too many tears. There's no point in him anymore.

... hey lover I'm in limbo, I can still feel your touch.