Seriously Considering.

At this point in time I just want to curl up and die. But as to just be stubborn, I'm just never going to let myself get close to a boy ever, ever again. Therefore, I will not feel like this ever again. It seems like a brilliant plan. Who needs a relationship if the great majority are going to end up like this? This pain is too much. It is so tiresome. It's eating away at me.

I wish I could describe all the things he does, says, how it sounds when he laughs... or when he snores. I swear I've never thought more of someone after I've heard them snoring. I wish I could describe how much I love him, how I know that I shouldn't want to be with him, but know it's bullshit all the same. My bed smelt of him. My phone attracts my attention everytime the banner moves, waiting for a text message, contact, anything. I wish that he would be besotted by me. I wish I was good enough, or something. I wish I knew how to say all the right things, I wish I could change his mind.
I wish I could come close to accurate while describing how amazing it feels when I kiss him, but words just don't come close. How can he kiss me like that but still feel nothing? I want people to realise how much this is killing me. Just so they wont think less of me when I keep breaking down, because apparently, if it were up to my feelings then I'd be crying 24/7. It's insane that the tiniest part of me still doesn't want to let him go, the same part that just wont let me get over him. This could be too good to skip. I swear this is more than it was with anyone before. I swear this is the most. My knuckles are bruised from where I've lashed out at walls in anger. I'm so angry at myself, I hate myself for not being good enough. I swear I've never been so disgusted with myself. Seeing how amazing he is and being shocked that I had a chance in the first place, gutted that I let it slip away. It feels like my heart is breaking, but I don't even know why. Nothing has changed from last week, I've just been reminded and it's not helped.

I wish I could stop blogging about him, but he's all I'm thinking about.