This is not the time

If I was to describe it now. The closest I can get is the man in The Time Traveller's Wife. Words that transform into a picture of a man who is incredibly perfect in everyway. When you think outside the book, into reality and remember that it's not real. That's it. Like to me, you're not even real anymore. A book character who when I was on that chapter was incredibly perfect but when the book is over, what then? Nothing else. And I'm happy with the fact you're gone, just not happy with the great hole you've left with me. Not happy that I'm in such a rush to find someone better. Someone who is as beautiful as you are, as you were to me. Someone who makes me laugh more, is that possible? It's as if I'm so eager to be let down over and over again. Like I'm doing it to myself, because I am. It's always been me. I should stop blaming others because if it wasn't for me, the one who always manages to get ahead of herself, lets the imagination run away. Remembers even when she says she's forgetting. Keeps pointless things going on and on and on until they are so stupidly ruined they are much past repair. If it wasn't for me I would have never been in the position where I allowed myself to fall to the tiniest little pieces on the floor, shatter with every step backwards. I've been realising for a while it's nothing to do with you, I have a lot to thank you for that I never did. I can't thank anyone else but you. I'm not ever going to change you and I'd rather die than do so. I'll still be here when you need me, but I'm pretty certain you never will, and I don't mind. I want to hear about how things turn out for you but I'm sure I never will. I hope you'll be happy, hate to think of you upset or angry. It practically boils my blood to think of a girl hurting you. I think it happened before, but I never asked. I don't want to see you again and it's a simple as that. The thought of never seeing you again doesn't upset me anymore, it doesn't scare me anymore. Why did it ever scare me? I can't even bring back the logical to reinforce the feelings. As for you being the smallest biggest part of my life for a long time, I apologise, you've seen so little of it yet you know too much. What can I say? I hate to say good bye in a blog that I pray you will never read but I've got to say it somehow.

All the "thank yous" and the "sorrys" absorbed into one piece of text and somehow it's got to be enough.