Taking the risk of sounding like a complete depressive.

I am in mood to clean the slate again. I'm ready to just start this blog over. But I know I regret erasing 2008 blog, and therefore, I don't really know what to do. I have looked through the pages of this blog enough times to realise that my whole life from that last few months has been controlled by a now worthless boy and other things that are also, probably equally as insignificant.

I am tired of being so immobile. Not physically, but generally. I feel like life has come to a complete halt. I'm bored. I'm finding all the excuses to run away and hide from everything. My exams. I am not revising. I'm telling myself I don't care, but I'm fucking terrified. I want to know where the girl went from last year, who was so determined to beat her sister in the exams. I have now resigned to inevitable defeat. When that day comes in August, I will be disgusted with myself. And my parents will be disappointed, but they wont show it. I'm not like her. I'm not going to be the successful one. What is failure to me is not to some of my friends. They would love to get what I am going to get. But I will look at the people who will get better than me and hate them, because I want people to be proud of me and what I've acheived and what I have worked hard for.