looking for something crazy

beautiful nothing.
now im talking in circles again
never no, baby, are you hungry for
wonderful? cause i am
wonderful? cause i am
wonderful - Lady Gaga

It seems like so long ago, I started talking about two years ago. Then I remember it was only last year and it feels weird. I know it must have hurt so much more than this does, such a difference in the way I had to start living, such an important person in my life. First love. He was my best friend for a year, I spoke to him every single day and I know that I will never meet anyone that was more perfect for me at that time than he was. No one has every made me smile or laugh like he could, the only one comparable is M, and even then he doesn't even come close. I remember thinking that in that first year I moved away from my other friends more than ever, and focused completely on this boy, he meant everything to me. I remember when I realised that I loved him, after I got off the phone one night and first experienced that stupid feeling I have now grown to hate in my stomach, and I couldn't stop smiling. Then I knew for sure. I remember how much it hurt to see him drift away from me. But the only time I remember crying over him was Bonfire Night '07, because we'd had a huge fight beforehand and we were both at the same Bonfire Night celebrations, him with the girls who'd torn him away from me in the first place, and it was the first time where he had ever gone out of his way to ignore me. The only time I remember, but I know there must have been so many more. I got used to it in the next few months, as he was in the year above at school and would walk past me and pretend not to see me. I remember how much it hurt, but I don't remember ever letting it show, especially not to him. I was so angry and so hurt at all the betrayal. He earned the nickname "Muppet" in my blogs last year and it's kind of stuck as I blogged to get over him. I had ripped up the notes telling me he'd be my best friend forever into the tiniest pieces and threw them away. Somehow I managed not to talk to him for a few months. Everyday for a year up until nothing for months? I don't understand now. I don't think I'd be able to do that now and M meant so much less and yet I am making such slower progress in getting over him.

I can't wait until the memories of him fade like these memories have.

.